My body tenses as I think about showing up. I notice a tightening between my shoulder blades, a sinking in my stomach and a contraction between my ribs. The familiar sensations of fear are kicking in.
My mind starts to race as I think of all the what ifs, all the possible ways I could fail, all the ways I could succeed. I start listing all the reasons not to keep moving forward as I begin to lose myself in the fantasies created by my apprehension.
I catch myself. What am I choosing in this moment? What are the options I'm giving myself? Have I fallen into a familiar pattern of choosing fear over love, over trust?
When I hold myself back, I'm trying to protect myself. It makes sense. There have been so many times when I attempted to show up for a decision and was let down by others, let down by myself. It makes sense that I'm afraid and that I'm trying to control the situation. I want to feel safe. And I love myself for offering myself protection. I love myself for working so hard to keep me safe. I love that can notice what I am truly seeking in this moment is to be safely held while I acknowledge my fears and my desires. I love that I can make space to hold myself even though it feels uncomfortable.
So I sit with myself. I sit in the discomfort and I notice that now I'm curious.
Is there space within my love to create a new story of what it means to keep myself safe?
Is there space to explore what it would take for me to choose to trust myself in this moment?
What would it take for me to let go of this intense desire to control and lean into the choices I am making with acknowledgement, trust and appreciation?
What would this shift mean for how I show up?
How would I show up differently in my day to day?
How would I show up differently for my sobriety? my health? my overall wellbeing?
What type of support would help me to show up in this new way?
What is one small action I can take today in support of loving and trusting myself as I show up for my decisions?
Today’s mantra: I create safety through self trust.